Still alive. Not sure if I want to be.

Not putting this behind a cut, but fuck it, it's been a year.

I can't take this. I can't take this.

So. To recap, because some of you either forget who I am or may have assumed I died or something, nope.

I've been looking after my grandmother at her house, in the ass end of nowhere. Neither of us drives and it's a 45-minute drive to the nearest grocery store, so it sucks in general. We get out a maximum of once a week, sometimes twice if there's a doctor's appointment or something. She'll comment on how I'm 'spoiled' or try and talk me out of inconveniencing whoever drives us if I ask to go anywhere besides the grocery store. Even, say, Wal-mart to pick up new underwear or something.

But I have a place to live and don't need to deal with the job market and I have three wonderful cats and with all the bullshit I have to deal with inside my own brain that's pretty good.

Someone asked me about my 'support network' a while back and yeah that's not a thing for me. The closest is neighbors who'll give us a lift when we need groceries and who would probably notice if we died and my brother who is three provinces away. My mother is emotionally abusive, only shows up on holidays, and last christmas shoved my cat off the table when he hopped up to say hi. My father is, from what I hear, deteriorating mentally and can't drive either. My sister has avoided all contact with the family for several years now. oh, and the last time I considered getting a place of my own my mother tried to get me put in a group home with forced socialization.

so yeah this isn't the worst situation I could be in.

Anyway. My brother (who is awesome) decided to treat us to a cruise. Went totally overboard, we each got a cabin to ourselves even though it must've been crazy expensive, and then spent 90% of his waking hours with our grandmother so I could have some time to myself to do whatever. For the first time I could remember I could just -- think. Do whatever, read, relax, get out and get something to eat without having to jump through hoops, dress up nice and go out or stay in and do nothing.

It wasn't all great -- the ultra-fancy meals got kinda pressing after a while, making me want to just slouch and eat pizza rather than feel like I was in a Mr Bean sketch when I made my order (fun fact: 'steak tartare' isn't the only fancy-schmancy meal that basically boils down to 'raw beef'). And having a stateroom attendant can make you feel like you're living with someone with severe OCD ('You slept on those sheets? excuse me, I need to go wash them with bleach and then fold the toilet paper into a little triangle.')

But it was nice, and a vacation, and it was warm which is good after the ton of snow I've had to shovel this winter. Over a week with no dishes to do, no snow to shovel, nothing to clean.

Today was our flight back. It was . . . hectic.

The first half was okay; it was a connecting flight in Toronto, so my brother went with us for the first leg. He chatted with her and we could all relax. Security was pretty relaxed, considering we were flying cross-border from the US -- the only one of us who needed more than a basic scan was my grandmother and that was because she sometimes has trouble processing directions (think her hearing aids are glitchy). Became mildly annoyed upon arrival in Canada when customs barely glanced over my form (I was willing to admit to picking up a bag of roasted coffee beans in Jamaica) because it sank in that I'd passed on a nice souvenir or two because I wasn't certain if it'd make it past customs.

My grandmother decided that we'd save ourselves a bit of stress by staying in the airport hotel instead of trying to take the 3-hour drive back home (we'd arranged for a neighbor to pick us up) with a flight that was scheduled to arrive around 9PM. Turned out to be later than that, meaning we'd spent over 12 hours straight either in planes or airports, so glad we didn't get the friend involved.

So we find someone to help with our bags, check in, and then decide to hit the Tim Horton's in the airport for a bite to eat before we turn in. We had to go down a level and I asked her if she wanted to take the elevator or escalator (she can walk, but she's a little shaky and will hang on to me if there's no hand rail). She said escalator and walked over to it. I stepped on, and all of a sudden she went 'No, I don't think so' and backed away. I turned back and realized she'd just be left there wobbly and waiting if I went around and took the escalator back up so I ran back up the down escalator and, predictably, tripped and fell.

And something just snapped. I hurt and I couldn't take the bullshit anymore, couldn't take going everywhere at a snail's pace with someone clamped onto my arm, unable to stop and check out something random because I felt like it, couldn't deal with having to repeat myself ten times and then be accused of insulting her or spending ten minutes looking for her hearing aid that turned out to be IN HER EAR and living with someone who never flushes the fucking toilet. The cats are better at disposing of their waste and they don't even have thumbs, fercryinoutloud. I started crying and I couldn't stop.

Because we were in the airport, crying is like pulling out a gun so a cop showed up and after confirming that I wasn't crying over something I needed to be hospitalized over started getting accusatory and then I heard her tell him about my depression and while I will freely admit to having issues that's MINE to tell and I am so fucking sick of her telling complete strangers about it -- I'll hear her on the phone (she kinda shouts into the phone so it's hard to avoid overhearing) telling people I've never even met about all my medical problems and I yelled at her and the cop got kinda threatened me if I didn't agree not to shout again.

I calmed down enough to order a sandwich and tea, she got something of her own, and we went back to the hotel. I got out of the elevator, assumed she was following me, and opened the door. Then turned around and realized she never got out. I push the buttons until the elevator comes back, empty, then go back to the room and call the front desk to find her because of course she can get fucking lost in an elevator. They found her and brought her back a few minutes later -- she was one floor below, lying on the floor. Now she's sitting here trying to apologize for making me trip without realizing that that is not the point and I feel like I should be making amends or whatever but I'm just tired and the tears won't stop and I feel like I did in junior high and couldn't stop crying -- it's not the stimulus that makes me cry so much as the realization that I can't visualize an end point to what's causing it.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not suicidal.

But there are days when I just wish I could stop living. To just stop and finally be free of it all.

I'm so tired.

(no subject)

Gah, TV. Why the hell do the networks not have someone on staff who can point out gaping plot holes? Why do they need to make all characters idiots?

666 Park Avenue. Tuned in because hey, paranormal concept, and there's not much new this season that catches my eye (Elementary, I would have given a chance had they actually made Joan a BAMF ladykiller as a proper Watson should be -- ignoring this is as bad as making Watson a bumbling fatso).
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    frustrated frustrated
Make me an offer

Nice try, legitimate viewing options!

What with all the talk about cracking down on filesharing, and the death of both Demonoid and Megaupload, I've been watching legitimate stuff as much as I can lately. Just to be on the safe side. They talk about how it's better quality and all that jazz. Though I don't get every network, so I do watch a few things on the side . . .

Today I watched a show via "totally legit" low-quality streaming and another via live TV. Guess which one had fewer audio problems?
I have a plan

Midnight brain kicks in.

Okay, idea: A TV network that is nothing but reality TV. Maybe some original shows, but you've got Hoarders, Fear Factor, and old episodes of Jerry Springer 24/7 as the focus.

Call it the Schadenfreude network. Station breaks will randomly compliment the viewer.
* Slackers, Slackers

ooh, right, other Toronto stuff.

Other things I've done while in Toronto:

* Went to see Brave, finally. Collapse )

* Saw Moonrise Kingdom. The trailer caught my eye months back, and I greatly enjoyed it. Some movies will be the thrill-a-minute type, get your blood racing, or tug at the heartstrings so you can't stop crying, but this wasn't one of them. It was more . . . warm and comfortable, like an old sweater. It's a good movie for when you want to curl up and relax, so I think I'll get it on DVD.

* Brother got tickets for Avenue Q tonight; it'll be interesting to finally see the musical and find out what plot stuff comes between the songs I've heard via AMVs and fanmixes.
Darkwing Duck

Fan Expo: Belated wrapup

So I forgot to make a day 4 Fan Expo post because I kinda collapsed from exhaustion. Final thoughts:

It was pretty cool seeing all the cosplay -- I somewhat regret not bringing a camera, but then I'd probably just leave it in my bag all day. I mean, there was a Thor cosplayer who got the hair and stubble perfect, and the TARDIS, and Powdered Toast Man and Chairface Chippendale, Delerium with a fish, a few awesome Lokis, Slenderman . . . and more than a few ponies.

I made the mistake of signing up for speed dating, though. They had a few sessions at the con, and I had some free time on the last day so I figured, what the heck, it's a chance to sit down for a while. And hey, better odds than dating in the general population, since we're all geeks, right?

Yeah, no.

A short list of phrases that make me mark someone in the 'no' column on the speed dating form:
"I'm just here for the gaming."
"I'm just here for the speed dating." (followed by heavy breathing and lack of eye contact)
"I saw this Christmas special for Star Wars on TV when I was a kid and it never aired again. Have you heard of it?"
(on seeing Lady Rainicorn)
"Oh, yeah. I watched one episode of Adventure Time. I remember thinking 'This would be awesome to watch while high.'"
"Cool. At least you're not a Brony."

There were only two that made me feel the three minute allotment was too long, one of them being a guy I didn't really click with but who had an interest in economics so I was reccing him Spice and Wolf for its medieval economics plotlines. Neither picked me, so I pretty much just ended up on the speed dating site's mailing list.
Darkwing Duck

Fan Expo, day 3

Today was nice. I got a hat for Lady Rainicorn, who has been riding on my shoulder since I got her (and is apparently interesting enough that several people took our pictures). I went to see the Kate Mulgrew Q&A, and she was pretty awesome. Then I went to line up for her autograph -- since she'd had the Q&A, most people hadn't bothered lining up when she was gone and there were only a few people ahead of me. But when I got to the front of the line, someone cut in front of me.

Eddie McClintock.

I stood back, quietly squeeing, and they talked for a minute (sadly, I didn't overhear any spoilers) and though my brain 404'd on asking coherent questions, I did ask why he didn't have an autograph booth at Fan Expo. He said there weren't that many Warehouse 13 fans. I told him I was a big fan of the show, and he shook my hand.

It was pretty cool to meet him, and I silently squeed for the next fifteen minutes. He looks awesome in glasses.

Oh, and I got my picture taken at the CTV booth where they photoshopped everyone into backdrops of various shows: Collapse )
Darkwing Duck

Fan Expo, Day 2 (belated)

The day went swimmingly; I hit a panel with the guys from Chew, snagged a script book and sketch book and got both signed, and it's neat to know that they're planning to stop with #60. That's a good length; still plenty of comic goodness to go, but it won't last so long that they need to do horrible horrible things to the stuff I like about the comic and make me pretend that everything after a certain issue doesn't exist.

Oh, and at the Archie panel, they mentioned that a lesbian character will be added to the comic -- in the Li'l Jinx comic, one of her friends' mothers will come out.

Then at the end, when they closed down the dealer's room, everyone ended up in a bottleneck -- imagine thousands of people told they could only leave through one set of doors, and then outside there were gates preventing people from moving outside a narrow strip of sidewalk. Snails would outpace the crowd at the rate they were going.

The crowd was hot, tired, and loaded down with con goodies. Everyone had sore feet and cosplay makeup was getting streaked with sweat. Exhaustion was probably the only thing keeping us from being a riot. Well, that and the fact that this is Canada and hockey wasn't involved.

Rumor in the crowd was that it was being done to control the traffic, because thousands of people crossing the road at once tends to block traffic. But I wanted to use the Skywalk, which allowed people to walk above the street and get straight to the subway station without needing to go outside (there's a door connecting it to the convention center, but for some reason they keep locking it). And getting to the Skywalk, with the route they'd designed, would take about ten times as long as it should, since they'd gated off the way to actually get to the exterior door.

Then the guy next to me pulled open a latch on the gate and pushed it open, and bolted for the other side. I couldn't pass up the opportunity and followed suit. And, since it seemed appropriate, I raised my hands and shouted "FREEEDOM!"

Also . ..

Other stuff that I forgot to mention:

There's an Art of Frankenweenie exhibit that's gorgeous -- I love the detail that goes into their sets. There's even teensy fingerprint smudges on the kitchen counters and magnets on the fridge.

There is a console game that lets you play the game in Wreck-it Ralph. Didn't try it today, but plan on checking it out tomorrow.

I got some Once Upon a Time pins at the CTV booth -- promising for next season that Belle warranted her own pin -- but it was a bit of a let-down that they didn't really have anything else for Once and zilch for Castle.

OOH! And there's a Build your Own Plushie event on schedule. I wanna check that out.